Home » 1st New Blog Post 2013: To be Punished or NOT to be Punished?

1st New Blog Post 2013: To be Punished or NOT to be Punished?

Happy new year everyone:

 

I do not work well with New Year’s resolutions, but I am going to make concerted effort this year to try to dedicate more of my time to this blog – along with other important endeavors in my life that I neglected last year.  Not because it’s a resolution, just because it’s time.

 That being said, I am certainly not lacking in blog topics. I have an upcoming trip to Vegas in February, which is possibly going to leave me atoning for last year’s transgressions – at least a few of the pretty major ones. Without going into extremely personal detail, I will say that I have been irresponsible to a degree that has greatly satisfied the childlike urge me to indulge, but that would leave a serious dent in the accomplishments of any adult life. Yet those of you who know me will know that I have a great issue with reconciling the little girl in me with the adult she was supposed to have successfully grown into. Mission not accomplished.

 The interesting predicament that I am in, is that Ms. Dana Kane and I have been solicited by a longtime client/friend to do a custom video when I arrive in Vegas. If those of you have been following my blog from the beginning (before I had it transferred over), you might remember this particular individual as every now and again he came up as a topic of conversation – sometimes good, sometimes not – so – good.

 For those of you who are unfamiliar with him, our relationship is unique in the fact that it is multifaceted. I can talk to him pretty much about anything, things related to S&M and D/S. I can also talk to him about vanilla things, about relationships and the weather – basically we have developed a friendship over the years. I have also made custom files for him with various Mistresses/Tops, and all of these files were exclusively punishment related. If I believed it was his intention simply to pay money to listen to me being hurt, neither I nor any of the Dommes that I have worked with would have engaged him. But he clearly has an interest in my well-being, enough to extend his wallet and his heart to help keep me on somewhat of a straight and narrow path… to the degree that this is possible, anyway.

 Just so everyone is aware, he has given me his explicit consent to write about him in my blogs. He quite enjoys feeling that he is a part of something, and I never mind obliging him. However, this time is slightly different. This will be his first video experience. In the past, he has exclusively preferred audio files minus any visual content. It took him some time before he decided that he might want to take that further step into video territory. And while I definitely encourage him to do this, I am not entirely sure that I can do what he requested – even though, he has the full support of Dana. And I know that Dana would not engage in something quite so serious if she did not think it was necessary or if she did not think that it would not be you in some way a psychological benefit in the way of acting as a deterrent against the behavior in question.

 Since he has requested this (the specifics of which I will go into detail about at a later date) and I proposed the request to Dana, I have been on the fence about it. I only became more inclined to approve after Dana had strongly agreed that the way I have been behaving is entirely worthy of punishment – and not quite any minor punishment at that. The rational part of me supports this idea of necessary discipline, and my little friend over here has quite the way of proposing a punishment scenario – since he knows me, oh so very well. He knows what makes me tick, what I prefer, and the like.  I know that when he suggests certain punishment scenarios, that he most definitely gets off on what is most punishing to me – of which we have had many intimate discussions. However, I engage him because I know that he honestly does care about me and that he believes that these methods that we have discussed on numerous occasions are the ones that are apt to work in terms of genuine behavior modification. I hate him a little for this, of course, but I also admire the fact that he seems to have me pegged so well. Better perhaps, then some Mistresses ever have. We have never met, we have never spoken on the phone, we have never had any kind of video chat and we never had a live session (despite the fact that I thought this would be a good idea based on his desires, to witness this first hand – which he refused, for reasons that I respect although I don’t quite understand). What we have had are many long, late-night personal but veiled conversations over the past years.

Without going into very specific detail at this point, I will briefly talk about what might potentially happen in Vegas. Dana is under the impression that it is definitely going to happen, as is my dear friend/client – but I have developed a great sense of anxiety over the whole thing so at this point neither of them know I am going to make a strong case against it in favor of more role-play scenarios.

Yes. I am a little terrified and I am not afraid to admit it, yet I am not at all afraid of Dana.  I trust her with every fiber of my being. But the anxiety is infecting me. Dana has explained to me on multiple occasions that this is just part of the process I go through before I’m punished and that I should go with it and not freak out to the degree that I do. However, in this case, it is not quite so simple. I also just watched two of Dana’s POV age – play clips, and I was completely petrified- petrified in the literal sense that I seriously could not move a muscle in my body for at least a few full minutes after the clips ended. Dana has this uncanny ability to act as a maternal/authoritative woman who seems to fully understand the behaviors and the motivation behind these behaviors of girls and boys/men and women (real and imagined) who behave in ways worthy of punishment. She also seems to inherently understand just the exact amount of punishment necessary for their particular infraction(s).  And it’s never just a few mild whacks on the backside.

This is one case where I can honestly say that I am not being over-reactive with my anxiety. The custom clip is actually a series of clips, three consecutive clips ranging in length from between 15 – 20 min. of pretty much pure spanking and scolding.  Because the clips are supposed to be filmed back-to-back, this means I could be enduring between 45 min. and an hour of spanking with probably minimal breaks in between.

Dana has never spanked me like this. I have never been punished more than one time per visit with her, and I have only been punished once or twice in my entire time of knowing her where I genuinely wanted to protest it. And one of the times when I half-protested it was the only time she had ever disciplined me twice for the same EXACT thing. If these punishments happen, I would actually be being punished for a THIRD time… which I was warned the second time she did not want to have to do and that twice was plenty. I lied to her, promised her, mocked her authority and made light of the whole thing – so if I can’t get out of this, I really think I’m going to be punished in a way that she has never had to deal with me before. Yes, admittedly, part of that is a little exciting. But there is an equal part that makes me want to throw up a little when I think about it. And if she gives me the option to run away like an adult that has a choice, I will do it.  If she removes from me the option of running away and symbolically corners me into this punishment like a child who cannot run away (which would be very fitting, I know) then I guess there will just be a lot of pouting and protesting up until the moment I land over her knee for it.

If these punishments occur, they will take place on the last day of filming, after already having filmed several corporal punishment scenes (of which several will be fairly intense). Two of the three scenes requested for the custom video include an old-fashioned leather belt and the dreadful naughty stick. And I am just not entirely convinced that I could handle all of this punishment. And if I could handle it on a physical level, which is always a possibility given my sometimes abnormal tolerance for pain – this little miniseries is going to involve a psychological regression/age – play theme. When that occurs, I might as well have zero tolerance at all. So I am quite concerned that my mental state is going to make it impossible for me to endure all of this.

Now, this is not to say that I don’t agree that the behaviors I chose to exercise are not worthy of punishment – and I’m not even trying to say that they are not worthy of a punishment that is somewhat extreme or severe in nature. I was repeatedly warned by Dana that I had to stop engaging in these behaviors, literally for my own good. I did not listen to her, not even a little – I went so far as to repeatedly brag on twitter that I wasn’t listening to her, and I still haven’t exactly stopped or taken any of this very seriously.  Long story short, I really made a mess of things in various ways… And it could have completely been avoided if I acted more like an adult and less like a child who was running around like a maniac without supervision. And yes, these were choices that I made – mostly while in a sane state of mind, and I chose instant gratification and satisfying my own impulses rather than making wise decisions that would have had me starting off the new year in a much more productive way. Beyond that I was subtly and not so subtly disobedient and disrespectful because I can’t say I didn’t hear her voice in my head every single time I did something that I knew I wasn’t allowed to be doing.  I knew I couldn’t be spanked or otherwise punished in the moment because we are on opposite ends of the country, but now I am afraid.

I just don’t know what I want to do here. Part of me wants to completely opt out of being accountable, even though I’m really not sure if I’m allowed to do this. Given my relationship with Dana is not 100% business and she does act in the capacity of a Top that extends past professional boundaries, I am a little unsure of whether or not I can back out of this. Especially because I technically already agreed to do it.

But after realizing what this is most likely going to entail, I have had an honest change of heart – not a change of opinion, but the courage was literally zapped out of me. I think I did not do anything to help my anxiety by watching Dana’s clips of her POV’s. I already want to cry thinking about it. If she has to spank me, I guess I can deal with it. But I don’t think I can deal with her spanking AND scolding me, which feels extremely uncomfortable and humiliating.

And yes, naturally this can all be eroticized at some point. For me I fetishize the period prior to the punishment because it is still fantasy-based and controllable. I do not like the punishment as it is happening, and when I scream and beg and cry for the punisher to cease and desist  – 90% of the time it is entirely genuine. It is only after the fact that I eroticize the punishment. And this is not strictly because of the punishment itself; it is more about finding comfort and pleasure in the entire experience and of having a fantasy filled – no matter how painful it might have been. And that’s what keeps us all coming back for more. I suppose some of us exercise more caution after being genuinely punished if we truly don’t want to repeat the experience to quite the degree that causes so much discomfort, but it is also why we will never volunteer to be 100% obedient. And it is not nearly as paradoxical as it seems…

That’ll be all for tonight. I’m sure you’ll be hearing more of this within the next month or so, and since I haven’t yet told Dana that I don’t think I can go through with this – when I have the courage to tell her, or when she finds out by reading this on her own – I will be sure to keep you posted with her response.

2 Responses to “1st New Blog Post 2013: To be Punished or NOT to be Punished?”

  1. Missy says:

    Angel, You know that Dana would never hurt you. She isn’t going to give you anything more than what she knows you can handle. While this punishment session does sound extreme, you know you have earned it. However difficult it is, it’s only 45 minutes out of your life and then you move on. And hopefully you learn your lesson this time. You know she is not going to let you out of this so try not to focus on how bad it’s going be. Focus on how you are going to prevent being punishished a fourth time for the same thing…

  2. Annika says:

    Cant wait to read more about this. Thanks for sharing. Annika aka dkamy…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *