Home » Grotesque Personal, Abstract “Art”

Grotesque Personal, Abstract “Art”

…made better in Photoshop with the awesome oil paint makeover. It’s really a whole lot easier than working with real oil paints, which can be nightmarish. I love this program. It outdoes my disconcerting emotions with the click of a filter button. If you are on this page, yes – sometimes you are just going to have to look at some strange pictures and drawings and read some rather disturbing and nonsensical poetry and rants and fragmented philosophical jargon. But, if you read the introduction page, you can’t say you weren’t warned! There are a lot of shades of red in this painting, so feel free to read into it if you are annoyed this might not have anything to do with spanking –because if you look hard enough, long enough, and cock your head at various angles, I’m sure you’ll locate something. 

Moving along. Why did I do this? I suppose I will share a little bit of an intimate psychological detail; I’m a little more comfortable with that now that I’m starting not to give a fuck about the possible impending collision between my vanilla and fetish worlds – which really would be disastrous. Not so much for me.  For the people in my life who work so hard to maintain false appearances.  I don’t need stones.  I could knock their glass houses over with a feather, so shaky are their foundations. But, that goes against my nature in general so if it can be avoided – it WILL be avoided.


Here’s the raw truth of it. I was having an emotional horror show take place in my head when I decided I needed to do something to extract some kind of beauty from the tumultuous pain (subjective, I know). Sometimes, I find the grotesque fascinating and dangerously attractive. I have various methods for indulging myself this way. When I painted this, I chose art as my method to mediate my emotions before things got ugly. I’m really having autoimmune issues and it is affecting the nerves in my hand and my joints – this pretty much describes a level of misery that is akin to torture. It’s not like I run marathons.  My livelihood is writing, drawing, painting, crafting, creating… and yea, if I could do that with my toes, maybe this wouldn’t be so hideous an ailment.

paintingmess1This was the quickest painting I have ever done and the most uncivilized. I turned the radio on, ripped open a canvas and literally started recklessly squirting different colored acrylic paints onto it. Not caring too much for abstract art and having no idea what to do with what I had just done – unable to use a brush because the pain from holding it was too intense, I smeared the paint all over the place with my hands in all sorts of swirly, disorganized directions.  I proceeded, in a state of what I can really only call genuine madness – to scrape away the paint with my fingernails resulting in whatever distinguishable objects can be seen in the midst of the chaos. I proceeded to outline some things with fabric paint and glitter that happened to be there.  Otherwise I would never do something so monstrous as to combine acrylic and fabric paint… never mind the glitter. So, really this is a product of my compulsion, my mind in one of its most disturbed states.  I had no conscious thoughts during the process – just furious, frenzied energy that led me to complete this thing in less than 20 minutes.  If I look at it for more than a few moments, I can find tormenting memories and gut-wrenching emotion that makes great fodder for psychoanalysis – except I refused to disclose these secrets to my therapist after she requested to see the painting.  Some lies are best kept buried in the abstract anomalies that obstruct the truth.



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