Home » How the thought process influences a “punishment.”

How the thought process influences a “punishment.”

frat-paddle

This is something I had written quite a while ago regarding an experience I had with a pro-Domme whom I also have a somewhat personal relationship with.  It’s primarily about perception and the impact that the mind has on physical experiences.  I cut out a huge chunk of the beginning of it so it seems to start in the middle of nowhere.  But I left in all the good stuff… at least I think it’s the good stuff 😉

Ironically, the Mistress who told me she would never spank me to punish me ended up having a deep psychological impact by “punishing” me with a spanking. Although she was partially role-playing for the purpose of fulfilling the needs of a paying client, I was entirely absorbed in some kind of reality I didn’t anticipate. I did get a 60 second briefing that consisted of her telling me that she wasn’t going to chew me out over what I did – that we had already had this discussion once, that the behavior in question is not okay and that I know I have other, healthier options available when I feel that way – making it further unacceptable and completely impossible to excuse away. She wasn’t exactly scolding me when she said these things. She was stating the facts rather bluntly, but I could not meet her gaze for more than a second. I kept diverting my eyes towards the floor and playing with my hair (considering ripping it out) because I was so uncomfortable. However, once she said her piece, it was over. She wasn’t acting like she was angry. I wasn’t fearful of her. In fact, by the time we started to go over the details of the session, I was concerned that I might actually start giggling.

That concern, however, dissipated within 10 seconds of her taking her position. There was some deep psychological shift that occurred in my mind when she began the session with, “So, Angel… today you’re going to be punished. You did something bad and I’m not too happy about it.” The reference to doing something bad and her not being happy about it were merely facts. But was she really punishing me, was it for the benefit of the client, or some combination in proportions not meant to be known by me?

The beauty of this is that I doubt she will ever tell me, which is why I have not specifically asked. It probably wasn’t the hardest spanking I had ever received from her, but I had reached such a point of emotional sensitivity that I couldn’t readily distinguish whether her hand spanking me over my underarmor pants was pleasurable or painful. I later concluded that it was pleasurable based on all the other ways she spanked me that hour. I was spanked – hard – with belts, hairbrushes, a switch, some rubber implements and an array of agonizing wooden paddles including an extremely painful “frat” paddle that she normally reserves for willing masochists (of which there are, according to her, not so many or willing in this particular case).

This Mistress was not responding to my cries or pleas and when I got out of position because the pain was so bad – she did not stop as I had hoped and dumbly, half expected. Rather, her command was, “Lay down.” And if I did not comply with that immediately, the somewhat terrifying tone of the following command, “NOW,” forced compliance despite my instinct to defy her because of the intensity of the pain. She did give me a few brief periods to compose myself, but it was absolutely not on my terms and there was no pattern I could distinguish to help me anticipate or try to provoke a reprieve when I wanted or felt that I needed one. At one point this had frustrated me so badly that I turned and yelled, “NO” at her. She was a little stunned by the outburst, but I was more shocked than she was. When I saw her raise her eyebrow, I felt every nerve in body jumping to attention with panic. My heart started racing. I was shaky. And there was maybe less than a second that elapsed before I (unprompted with any kind of threat of punishment) profusely apologized… and meant it. I believe she understood my apology was genuine and she did not spank me any more severely than she had intended to. But I knew it could have happened.

For as hard as she was spanking me, it would be easy and effortless for her to have spanked me 10 times harder with the proper motivation – and despite her declaration that she doesn’t believing in punishing those who are into spanking with spanking, I did not feel entirely confident enough to test her… not when laying face down with an already battered ass, where a dozen severe implements lay at her fingertips.

It was possible she would have stopped the session to punish me in her own style (as we do have that relationship where I genuinely serve her when I am with her, and she reserves the right to punish me how she deems appropriate if an offense warrants it – which thus far, it has not). Or she could have just upped the intensity of the spanking. That was plausible as the one time I remember getting threatened with a punishment spanking from her was after I was recently beaten (non-punishment) for an hour and was really hurting and she knew it. Whatever I had done to annoy her was met with, “If you do that again, I’ll beat you over your bruises.” I had made a mildly sarcastic comment after that, not really anything I thought was serious enough to warrant being punished. But she went over and got a gag from her chest of toys and for a paralyzing moment I thought she was going to gag me and beat me senseless. All she did was place the gag on the table a few feet away from me and the possibility that this might occur utterly silenced me – without her officially having to use it, or even threaten to use it. Whatever it was within me that had felt any confidence or entitlement to challenge her, died on the spot with that ambiguous gesture.

As it stands, I have absolutely no desire to repeat the behavior I might or might not have been “officially” punished for. Ironically, this somewhat staged punishment from a Mistress who doesn’t of her own accord use spanking to discipline a “spanko” had the dramatic effect of effectively “punishing” a behavior. In reality – does this mean that I have been “cured” and that I will never repeat an action that has become habitual, ritualistic and heavily relied upon as a means to avoid emotional pain? Probably not. The reality is that ultimately if I convince myself I need to do it – I can rationalize it in a number of ways and if I really want to do it, I will. As human beings, that’s just what we do. Even Mistresses.

However, it does mean that the stakes have grown larger – and that if this client (who is sort of a personal friend) who is kind enough to be emotionally invested in my welfare – wishes to keep receiving “punishment” files, that the Mistress will keep producing them as long as there is a reason. I don’t want to give her a reason, at least not for the same thing. I was really hurting a few days later and I sent her a text message and asked her next time to please remove the frat paddle from the list of dreaded implements. She replied that she would if I kept up my end of the bargain – which implied that she was already anticipating that I might not. And that gives me a reason to want to avoid the behavior – meaning that, whatever her intended purpose – she effectively punished me.

The only way I can really relate to this and explain it to myself is by identifying with something I once read in a book about dialectical behavior therapy (yes, I’ve studied every psychological disorder and their treatments under the sun).

This is actually a form of therapy where “punishment” is utilized by a therapist. Naturally, in a professional environment with trained and licensed practitioners – the punishment is non-corporal. The therapist is supposed to emphasize the fact that the behavior itself is being “punished,” as opposed to the person – which is still a little trippy and difficult to wrap the mind around, but it has its moments where it makes sense.

What happens is the therapist dictates the punishment and punishment schedule and the client agrees before it is implemented. The “dialectic” in the interaction between the therapist and the patient is the therapist understanding and actually accepting the behavior while at the same time campaigning for its change – using punishment as a tool in the process.

This is what occurred in this “punishment.” There was no lecture, no emotionally driven reaction on her part. She accepted that I made a poor decision without judging me or making me feel horrible about myself or guilty, and she punished me with a spanking in an extremely controlled matter. There were few words, but the ones that were said mattered. And she did not yell or say things to admonish me. At most she reminded me there were other alternatives. She did not give in. When I got panicky or resistant, she firmly but calmly reminded me that I was being punished and to stay still because she wasn’t finished punishing me. At times I wanted to really, really (safe-word-moment really) beg her to stop because if it wasn’t 100% real then she shouldn’t have to keep spanking me. But I was too afraid that the interference itself would warrant a punishment and even more afraid she might verbally express anything that suggested there WAS some reality to the punishment. Whether or not I believed this was true, I could not risk any verbal declaration on her part to confirm it.

Besides my gasping and crying, I kept my mouth shut. There was only sporadic dialogue meant to make sure I knew I did something wrong, convince her that I was genuinely sorry (and not just staging remorse for the benefit of my backside, or our client) and to let me know if I feel like making a poor decision again that I can come to her for help.

This lack of an “emotional charge” on her part made it impossible for me to focus on anything but what she was saying and the pain she was inflicting and whatever her intention was – I felt legitimately punished. It was inescapable. When I am yelled at during a punishment, when things are purposely said to injure my feelings, when it feels out of control and genuine fear of physical or emotional injury is present – those are excellent distractions and the only thing I end up submitting to are my defenses. While I may know that I’m being punished, as evidenced by the obvious, I lack the ability to internalize the reasons why and the punishment ends up having no corrective value for me, and it is certainly never seems to be a satisfactory experience for the punisher.

I can say the desire to ever do this on a conscious level has been quelled, and I hope it remains that way. But given the nature of people prone to relieving their emotional burdens – through whatever means necessary – I can’t say for sure. What I can say for sure is that the act would be more challenging to perform, the accountability level would rise if it were performed, the discomfort would be even more difficult to bear and the fear of punishment would be genuine on my end – whether that meant it was 100% genuine on her’s, or even just 1%.

At this point, it absolutely does not matter. Her manner of handling the situation has psychologically enslaved me to the uncertainty of it all. I highly doubt this was some well thought out plot on her end. It’s just the way she operates as a Mistress. She has an amazingly intuitive understanding of what someone she is interacting with needs and how to give that to them without losing an ounce of her dominance or feeling compromised in any way. Her credibility as a lifestyle and professional player cannot be threatened with the accusations she has fallen victim to a sub’s “topping from the bottom” attention-seeking behavior.

This was not a spanking that I wanted, or if I wanted it on some unconscious level before it happened – I certainly did not continue to want it by the time twenty minutes had elapsed. This is also because I was never really familiar with feeling punished by her, except in very mild ways that would probably better be described as “discipline.” We have done a lot of role play scenes where I was being “punished” – but psychologically I was 100% positive it had nothing to do with anything real. And no matter how painful it was (and it was often extremely painful) it was still enjoyable on some level, emotionally relieving and I was able to endure it in a way that wasn’t so challenging. Part of the “punishing” aspect of the whole situation was realizing that this kind of spanking necessarily deprived me of the other kind, and there was nothing I could do in my own mind to change that – and I certainly wasn’t brazen enough to ask her for any assistance when it came to an issue so serious.

Did I need it? Of course. I needed it to help me cope with my own feelings of guilt, and I needed to feel her control despite any natural inclinations to fight against it because it was a psychologically and physically painful and uncomfortable experience. Did it help me? Without a doubt. The emotional release came all the same and it made me think about A LOT of things I probably wouldn’t otherwise be thinking about, at least not to this degree. For that, I am grateful. For having an opportunity to interact with her in any capacity, I am grateful. For her attention in whatever manner she wishes to give it, I am grateful. For her way of dominating me in exactly the way I need based on my challenging and at times provocative personality (which does not very often surface with her but of which she is very well aware)), I am grateful. The fact that she exists in a world that is so prone to self-deception and the deception of others, and that she lends credibility to a sometimes non-credible industry, I am grateful.

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