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In My Secret Life

A few posts ago, I shared with you my thoughts on “play” and its significance in the adult life.  No one can convince me it’s not therapeutic, although I know I’d very quickly be hit with judgement were anyone to investigate the way that I live inside of my head – when I can’t bear the burden of being a “grown up.”  This is part of my inner self, another facet of my multifaceted secret life.  There are always layers, so I thought I’d share with you the drastic distinctions that mark the boundaries of where my play fantasies (outside of BDSM/DD) begin and end.

babydoll2On one end of the spectrum, I have a collection of life-like baby dolls. Nothing can be more innocent, really.  They live in the lavender walls of my bedroom on my purple bed decorated with a pink canopy. I’ve had this doll for quite some time and although she’s been tossed around a bit during my various moving processes, she has survived well.  She keeps for company an entourage of stuffed animals from the traditional teddy bear to the eccentric neon pink hippo.

Here is where my 5 year old lives.  There is where I retreat when I need that comfort and safety that cannot be found in the world of Responsibility.  This is where I go to re-invent a tragic childhood and where I camp out thinking of stories for children’s books that I intend to one day write.

On the other end of the spectrum are the MH dolls that I fetishize.  They are really nothing like Barbies, which I do have and are kept in  the realm of innocent dolls with the rest of the girlie toys and plushies that are confined to my room. These dolls can’t mingle with the MH dolls because they just don’t belong in the same environment.  They cannot occupy the same space in my mind.  I keep the MH dolls in an entirely separate place in my house that is designated specifically to the other part of my fantasy life – which is still play, albeit play that is a bit more mature in its design.

These dolls have fascinated me since I first saw them, and it has so been my mission to collect every single one that is created.  Luckily, I have a very special private benefactor who gifts most of them to me so I have not gone bankrupted on dolls.

What I love about these dolls is how they can so easily be manipulated into somewhat dark entities, as they are already predisposed to gothic design.  The concept is fascinating to me, really – truly – fascinating.  These dolls are the products of Monster parents, most of them spin-offs of actual historical legends like The Abominable Snowman, Dracula and Frankenstein.  I find this quite brilliant and have no small amount of self-loathing for not having thought of the idea myself.

Nonetheless, I am enthralled with their existent and particularly like making their characters engage in fetish scenes.  As you can see from this scenario right here, I have MHscene2dolls kneeling, bowing, being stepped on and spanked.  And the character dress and the theme makes the scene ripe for believability, with (as much as I hate to admit it) very little effort on my part.  This is the darker side of my nature – not the darkest, but it does give a slight indication of where the darkness leads.

Now I will leave you with one of my favorite songs by Leonard Cohen, In My Secret Life.  There are so many ways in which this song can be applicable to a situation in my life at any given time.  If you haven’t heard it, I encourage you to give a listen and read the lyrics while you do.  See how it can relate to you.  I can almost guarantee you that something will strike a cord from the past or present, and if not…. there’s always the future.


^i^ Angel ^i^


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