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Secrets & Privacy

Disclaimer: Non-spanking related, pre-Memoir ramblings

Before I had a blog, I had a diary…  I remember when I was five writing in a small book that read “Secret Diary” on the cover and had big fat lines adaptable for small, clumsy hands – and apparently, backwards letters and nonsensical thoughts. It never occurred to me that anyone could just open and read it, because it very clearly said “SECRET.” I was quite betrayed and horrified when I found my little brother scribbling away on my innermost thoughts. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t read and that whatever I was writing was so indecipherable that even if he could – it would not have mattered.  Except it DID matter.  All I did was cry, with a fortitude of emotion resembling grief, lamenting to my mother over the deception of “secret” diaries. I refused to write anything ever again until a year or two later when my mother bought me a big girl journal (pink, of course) that had a little heart lock and key.  I was crushed when I realized how fragile that lock was after snapping right off when my father accidentally stepped on it with his construction boot. It was then I learned that there is no safe place for thoughts other than your head.  Even just to speak them aloud by yourself into the air makes them vulnerable to pollution: misinterpretation, judgment, ridicule, etc.  I was exposed to that truth even before people could comprehend my language. I was done. Nobody could get to the thoughts in my head, if only I could keep them there. I threw my journals in the closet and they went to that place of onesie socks, misfit toys, lost sneakers and a whole lot of garbage that got tossed in there because for whatever reason – it didn’t seem reasonable to make the 5 foot walk from my bedroom door to the kitchen waste basket.

At the same time I stopped writing, I also stopped speaking. After a series of “secret” tragedies occurring in my home demanded silence – I became an extremely withdrawn, sometimes mute child determined to keep all of her secrets in her head to protect them.  I didn’t realize that protecting my secrets was encouraging an environment of all sorts of gross abuses against myself and the people I loved most.  My silence has been a source of guilt ever since I realized its curse. Silence is damaging. Silence is a place where all sorts of mold and bacteria grow and poison delicate spirits and still-forming, impressionable little brains. 

But there is a difference between silence and privacy, and I recently realized this is perhaps why certain family members get unnerved about my lack of social interest and my unwillingness to share much of myself with them. Perhaps they cannot make that necessary determination between silence and privacy. I can see how these concepts can become confused, especially to those who were made vulnerable and targeted by silence and who went on to repeat the pattern by taking away the voices of the people who could speak out against them.  So I can see where people who understand the great powers of silence can easily believe that it means either something sinister is going on or that there is some kind of physical or psychic damage occurring to the person who chooses to remain mute. I believe my family believes this about me – that I am involved in something which they would judge as immoral and somewhat tragic (ironically) or that I am being hurt in some way. They have been right on both accounts but not always at the same time. 

I can never change their minds about accepting what I do in my personal life and the activities I engage in. It is not my interest, nor is it my responsibility.  I am not being silent; I am maintaining a certain amount of privacy to protect us all.  They don’t know of the majority of the situations I have been in that have been unhealthy so this they are just spinning in their heads like a giant ball of useless yarn.  They are only slightly justified because they became aware of one of my first relationships.  I was not able to share that with them because the details would be somewhat inappropriate, and what little they did know was already very misunderstood and judged. This particular and only KNOWN experience to them is long in the past, yet, I go through the same amount of hassle so it almost doesn’t even make a difference.  But the greater irony is that when they did know, they did nothing.  So why bother to pretend they are looking out for my health and safety when in reality – they would do nothing to protect it anyway? Even at a point when they still could… When I was barely legal in my first S&M relationship and needed them to be there, they weren’t.  Yes, I was silent.  But my very physical and mental injuries spoke when I could not.  Those people who want to control my life now are those same people who were silent all of those times when I needed them the most.  Life doesn’t have an undo button.

Now I am an adult and they have no rights to meddle or interrogate. I can slightly tolerate their interest in my well-being (however misinformed their definitions are) but I can and will not accept being judged for partaking in this lifestyle – publicly. I have less and less anxiety about their acceptance – because I know it does not exist. I have to accept myself. And I do. I accept my needs and desires, even at times when they have led me astray and into all sorts of abusive environments. But had I abandoned them and judged myself too harshly, I would not have met Dana – who seems to be a perfectly crafted fit to the various components of my personality. I would not have met some very wonderful professional Dominatrices who keep that glimmer of faith and excitement alive when it should be well dead after my experiences. I don’t judge myself, not for this – and I won’t let anyone else do it either.  In terms of my family, were they to find out – I couldn’t stop them from judging me but  I can say: “Excuse, me – let me just interrupt here for a moment…” and then spew a laundry list of justifiably judge-worthy offenses that has caused too much destruction to even measure. I dare anyone who has kicked a dog, knocked a woman’s teeth down her throat, thrown their toddlers to the floor, tried to blow up cars of their family members, sold their child’s baby formula and carriages to swap for crack, introduced children to drugs, cheated on their spouses on the same day they went to church or any of the other innumerable things that has gone on in my world – to utter a negative single word against MY person. Welcome to my family.

My choices are my own.  They do not have a domino effect that deeply impacts all around me. I am responsible only to me (and my herd of animals that couldn’t care less how often or how hard I get spanked as long as they still get fed and played with – which they do).  These other people, bound to me by blood and DNA (and mostly only that) – their disastrous actions silently rippled down through generations creating no small amount of damage that can never be undone.  But the ripple stops here, with my personal responsibility to love and protect myself, an action to advocate for the “reasonable expectation of privacy,” that is legally afforded to every adult in this country and one that (in my case) is apparently well guarded beneath the guise of Silence…

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7 Responses to “Secrets & Privacy”

  1. Jennifer Webster says:

    Fantastic Angel very well written you don’t owe anyone anything your life is your business I have a mother that seems to think she is entitled to all information to do with me and my personal life. The very day I left home to start my own life out on my own was the day that she lost any of that control. I vowed that day that my life was going to be kept very private and she would only know what I felt she needed, not deserved to know. To this day I hear ” you never told me that “or “I never knew anything about that why do you hide things from me”? I don’t hide anything I choose not to tell her because quite frankly it is none of her business what I do in my own personal life. Like you when bad things happened when I was at home she didn’t do anything to help me with it so why should I let her in my personal life now she is the worst one of all for judging people and it scares me what she would say if she only knew. It also gives me some sort of satisfaction because I know it drives her nuts that she can’t know what is going on and I don’t tell anyone else so she can’t find out through them either. You are a beautiful and very smart young woman and I wish you all the best in your future.

    • angelspanked says:

      Thank you. I am sorry your situation is a similar one. The frustration can be overwhelming. All we can do it take care of ourselves and arm ourselves against the thoughts, words and actions of those who believe they are entitled to judge. I am very anti-hyprocrisy.

  2. Bobbie Jo says:

    I appreciate your writing this, Angel. You have a gift for writing very thoughtful elements of what you have experienced and your response to those upsetting times. Very poignant.

  3. Missy says:

    Angel,
    You are an amazing person. I am lucky enough to know this to be true. The opinions of those you speak of in this post are irrelevant. You know who you are and you know what you need in life. Nobody walks in your shoes but you. You have been through some shit. Without every single one of those life experiences though, you would not be the person you are today. So don’t give them the energy it takes to tolerate them, you have given them enough. More than what they have earned. I know from my own person relationship with you, that you are heavily guarded, and rightly so. I thank you for your friendship and your trust. Love you bunches! -Missy

  4. Pixieplays says:

    Lovely piece. You really write well, with power and humanity

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