Home » The Experience of Continued Pain & The Delrin Punishment

The Experience of Continued Pain & The Delrin Punishment

 

 

I am in one of those modes where I perseverate on concepts. Lately, this particular concept has been punishment – if for no other reason than I have recently experienced a punishment that I, regrettably, underestimated. There’s no avoiding it now, especially because the punisher (Ms. Dana Kane) has taken liberties to make it public domain, as part of the punishment process.

The “offense” was misbehaving on public forums and not being careful or particularly interested in keeping bratting behavior to an acceptable, and even encouraged, level. I got carried away, as evidenced by my tweets and perhaps a blog entry or two. Worse than that, however, is my feeble attempts to excuse away my behavior and/or blame it on The Very Bad Boy – who although is also at fault, did not use any form of coercion (physical or otherwise) to force me to act in a manner that would get me in trouble.

I did not, however, expect to be punished – no matter how bratty my behavior was, or even after I was actually told I was going to be punished. I was originally blindsided by Ms. Kane’s blog post (http://danakane.blogspot.com/2012/07/sad-subs-against-delrin-lookin-for.html) to @TheVBB and myself declaring she was going to punish us because we crossed a line.

Despite this public announcement, I still did not believe it. Yes, I had mildly irritated Dana before and there was a somewhat unpleasant and aversive consequence for it. But nothing very serious and nothing that really scared me witless. This was several months ago and the undesired behavior has not since been repeated, which does not mean impulse has died. It just means I think I learned something. I can’t get my way sometimes. If I persist in trying, I’ll be spanked without regard to whether or not I want to be, and especially with no regard as to whether or not I am enjoying it.

Given the fact that Dana has never expressed any anger or ill-will towards me, and having removed myself from a punishment that I requested with no difficulty – I just had it in my head that she wasn’t really going to do it. I believed this probably until about a quarter of the way into being punished – which I will eventually bring back to fit with the title of this post, “The Experience of Continued Pain.”

Sometimes I will avidly fight a punishment, regardless of what happens to me – whether it’s a matter of principle, regression or not being in the mood. Other times I will become too frightened to contest. This is what occurred with the “Delrin Punishment” in Vegas, with Dana. At first, I tried subtle and not-so-subtle forms of manipulation to try to gain a reprieve, from outright refusal to accept it to finally acquiescing – and hoping that the act of acceptance would somehow make the conditions of the punishment more favorable (less strokes, less pain – anything to feel that I had at least a little control). And, at some point in between, I became a little desperate.

Me: “Dana… what if I get sick tomorrow???”

Dana: “Well, I’d be really sad if I had to spank you when you were sick.”

Next time, I will just try to be sick and not ask about the theoretical possibilities of how my illness might affect my punishment, if illness were to occur. Not very well thought out. I had to fight back mild feelings of fury that Dana might spank me if I were sick, and then I had to remind myself I wasn’t sick. I almost wanted to be sick so that I could throw a legitimate tantrum about it if she did spank me – and in all likelihood, I would have. Would it have done me any good? PROBABLY not. I’m not QUITE familiar enough with her to pull one of those moves but now that I know it’s possible to be in trouble with her, my willingness to consider it is a bit compromised.

When it came time for her to punish me, I felt trapped. I had tried to tell her early on that if she attempted to follow through with punishing me that I would lock myself in the room – to which she merely replied, “There are no locks on the door.” This is pretty much the symbolic nature behind what our relationship is evolving into. I’m trying to come to terms with not being able to “lock doors.” Not even because I shouldn’t be trying to lock them in the first place, but simply because Dana doesn’t provide one with lockable doors. Another e-mail warned me that trying to get out of the discipline would only make it worse.

The only thing left to do was try to be stoic about it. Well, that and find a cute skirt. Oddly, I knew my fate was sealed when my attempts to be cute were entirely ignored. And I didn’t even have to try at being pitiful, it was quite real. None of this had any impact on Dana. She didn’t even look at me except to instruct me on how I was to position myself when she spanked me. I suddenly knew I was in trouble. I gasped a sigh of relief when I only rolled a four (incessant secret die rolling practice had me consistently at six or higher). The four really meant very little. She would have spanked me in some undesirable way even if I had rolled a two. She would have honored it, but she would have made it count.

Dana was apparently determined to punish me, on a level that we both felt (in no uncertain terms) was punishing to ME. Not everything will make me feel punished. I can often take massive amounts of pain without necessarily feeling punished. I am good at blocking things out. Between the psychological build-up that lasted until the last second and included having me remove the tags from the delrin the night before, to the severity of each stroke inflicted – at one point I stopped questioning whether or not I was being punished.

Admittedly, it took a while. I had convinced myself that Dana was just playing it up for the publicity of it. This was not the case. But I think besides fear of the pain, that my feelings were a little hurt. I felt pretty bad that she was “irritated,” with me. I was also confused because she never once mentioned the delrin punishment to me without me bringing it up to her in an attempt to get out of it. She never treated me like she was angry with me. She didn’t take advantage of other scenes to spank me extra hard simply because she could have. So while she was annoyed, she kept everything in perspective – for both of us. She kept her irritation confined to the punishment and was nothing but loving and gentle both prior to and immediately after the experience. Before punishing me, she was extremely reassuring and kind. After punishing me, she expressed the same attitude and as I cried told me it was over and it was okay. She put me in bed with ice packs on my bottom and that was the end of it.

This is why it was a little difficult for me to be in that position with her but it has fascinated me, and it caused me to reread that book “Correction that Corrects,” by Mariam Frederick. It is intended to be read as a governess’ perspective on how to use spanking to raise children. However, for those of us who have an interest in spanking and domestic discipline, particularly because of our almost unnatural union with our child-spirits – this is very applicable to our conditions.

In one part, Mariam talks about a child who kept misbehaving because she knew the moment was opportune. Rather than paraphrase it, I will just paste it here.

Quite recently, I was caring for a little girl of four years. In the presence of guests she chose “to show off.” Circumstances made it expedient that I postpone the needed punishment. Bedtime came for the child. While preparing her for bed I made no reference to the acts of misbehavior.

The following morning before dressing her, I said: “Do you remember how naughty you were last night and how I spoke to you and you did not care but were still a naughty, naughty girl? I did not spank you then, but now I am going to give you a hard spanking.

She started to cry, and said, “I don’t want to be spanked now.” I replied, “No, but you wanted to be naughty last night. A good spanking now will teach you how to behave.” At this point I turned her across my knee, turned back her nightie, and spanked as I spank.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the connection. This is precisely how Dana addressed and treated my behavior. She let me go as I pleased, but she did not forget or ignore what I was doing. Instead, she kept track of it and punished me accordingly when the time was ripe for it. Like that little girl, I did not want to be punished then. Like Mariam, Dana was quick to remind me that I clearly wanted to misbehave when I was misbehaving and that she was going to spank me for it now. And not so nicely. Not brutally, but severely enough.

I thought perhaps, at the very least, that maybe Dana wouldn’t continue with the spanking in quite her intended fashion if she saw how much discomfort I was in. That sounds stupid now as that is most obviously the point of a punishment, but my mind was telling me I could have felt punished with a quarter of that intensity and duration – and that would not exactly be a lie. This leads me to another reference in the book and most definitely a related one – in which Mariam is explaining to a mother why she is not satisfied with administering a spanking consisting of just a few hard swats:

Why continue to spank when several slaps on the bare flesh have already caused no small amount of pain?”

I reply, “Because I have made the test and am convinced that a child who has been soundly spanked will, when inclined to misbehave, recall the experience of continued pain.

Ultimately my desire is to be disciplined by someone who holds this philosophy, otherwise it is very easy to accept a spanking and not feel punished (depending on physical and psychological factors at that particular time). This doesn’t mean I require massive amounts of pain to feel punished. A hand spanking in a certain way that reaches beyond my comfort zone can often be suitable. As long as the spanking has reached a physical and mental level that exceeds my tolerance (which varies depending on circumstance), I can be effectively punished. The Delrin punishment took me out of my personal comfort zone, and Dana made sure to keep me there. I didn’t realize she was quite so astute. But everything from the specific words she spoke to the tone of her voice, the force of her “swats,” and even spanking me with her hand when the camera wasn’t rolling so that I wouldn’t disassociate into any form of ease – well this made it impossible for me to feeling anything but punished.

How did I handle this? Remarkably well, considering. There were moments I was feeling immense discomfort and frustration, and it was instinctual for me to want to rage against being punished. In watching the video, I saw my face turn red at one point after Dana hit me particularly hard. Knowing myself, I recognized that this was not just a reaction to physical pain but a genuine expression of aggravation at feeling helpless. At some points I screamed in some kind of primitive way to get the point across. I know for sure this is the case because I was able to refrain from screaming after that when threatened with further punishment. If the screaming was from a kind of primal distress or a response to intolerable suffering, it would not have been able to be so effortlessly silenced with a command. I considered the manipulation ploy of trying to convince her it was too intense, then I decided that could very badly backfire and that is probably a grave offense. I consider it grave offense, which does not mean it’s beneath me, but I hope I have better judgment nowadays. I also tried passively-aggressively to keep the toys misaligned once or twice in an effort to maintain just an ounce of control. Much to my shock and amazement she caught onto this immediately, either consciously or not, and she made me correct it. She stripped me of all my delusions and eventually I just let myself go, which was the result of a combination of feeling enraged and extremely sad when she spanked me so hard and proceeded to say she had no sympathy. This was upsetting, but there was nothing I could do.

I did not realize she was actually irritated until she had bent me over the bed and administered the first few whacks without any regard to my level of discomfort. I’ll admit I wanted to press the panic button when she informed me she wasn’t going to take it easy on me. In watching that video, I’m inclined to cringe a little. I wasn’t able to see her face when she was punishing me, and it’s probably a good thing. She seems very serious and intimidating and determined. I was unaware of how hard she was actually spanking me. I didn’t realize a couple of times she had really wound herself up to swing. Even now it makes me a little sad to watch it, probably because I know that if she spanked me so hard – that I was really being punished. I don’t know why that makes me so sad but it does.

It’s a bit ironic and bittersweet. For me, punishment is a necessary and vital component in my non-vanilla relationships and I desperately seek it out, refusing to have it any other way. Yet the act of being punished is in itself not always pleasant or desirable, and it’s sometimes flat out something to be avoided – really. But the idea of it provides a sense of security that is sorely lacking in my life, there’s some sort of comfort in being held accountable and knowing that even when I can’t bring myself to care – there is someone who does and won’t tolerate me not caring. That’s a nice feeling and there are times that being punished reinforces that. Punishment serves as a tool to keep me cognizant of the fact that I wish to surrender authority to someone more stable, more aware and who generally possess better decision making skills than my own.

Thanks, Dana 🙂

 

2 Responses to “The Experience of Continued Pain & The Delrin Punishment”

  1. Erica says:

    That was a powerful and personal video. And you’ve really hit all the points here of what makes a real punishment — the blend of fear, sadness, a bit of resentment, and possibly more than anything, the awful feeling of knowing you’ve truly annoyed or disappointed your top. Nothing will make me dissolve into tears more quickly than hearing “I’m disappointed with you.”

    I know very well how Delrin feels, and believe me, I would have been fighting down the screams too. I can’t scream in my apartment, so I bury my face in a pillow. You’re very brave, and you were in the best of hands. This I know. 🙂

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